Everyone writes a few deadbeat lines,allow me mine

My past is an unfinished painting

“Taking those big steps, walking in the right shoes. The steps belong to me and only me.
For the first time I am free, free of guilt, free of fear. There are many times I could’ve walked away but I knew what was true at heart. Having the guts to walk and keep walking was something I didn’t have at that time, but a favor was done for, I am only stronger. I’d be lying if it was all an act, but now, more than ever I could feel the hole being filled with what was taken from me.”

Recently been inspired.

My emotions are high, too much has been happening, all to take in short time.
Thoughts from a past I want to forget. Ideas and dreams of a time that once seemed simple.
My heart bleeds for someone else now, but your mark is just now scaring over. Boy and girl, silly high school love story. An ego that wouldn’t allow are silly little love to exist. A foolish girl who was left with no one but you, began to cling to the one person she could trust.
When it all came to an end, was surprised to turn my back and see that the ones I had so regretfully pushed away, where there to help me clean up the mess you created.
Walk around so proud, so powerful. I have gotten on my knees to say sorry for the wrong I know I did, and what do you do? Stand back and take it as weakness. Sadly you are mistaken, I am far more strong than you ever will be. While I look foolish saying sorry, you have nothing to say, when we both were wrong in what we had done to each other. Pride for you is something you hide behind so the world doesn’t know you are truly weak, I know this because I’ve seen it. You gave me back the strength you took away from me those three years, you gave me back my life. I was a prison kept for your selfish self, though sharing me with the ones who loved me first might have saved me, might have made me realized that you were poison from the beginning.
Now, you creep back into my life, the connection is far to real to me. The one person I trust with my deep secrets has the key to your door, a door I didn’t want open. Asking questions behind my back about what life I have now, still you hide from what you need to face.
I fear and anticipate the day we come face to face. My hands will want to raise to your face to remind you of the hurt you have caused me, but I will only put out one, the one to shake your hand and say my deepest sorry and forever grateful thank you.
Without you, my life was no longer put in a box set next to yours, without you, I was able to breath and think without guilt, without you, my life became complete.

Keep your mouth shut, if you are choosing to ignore me still, almost three years later, than shut your fucking mouth and keep my name far from it. I am dead to you, because you killed the Jessica you once knew, and became reborn to the better and stronger person I am today that you will never get to know because you allow your stupid little pride get in the way. 

Three sentences that changed the past.
Only helped me realize that what was than is stuck in that time, my heart has begun beating for someone else.
Those three silly sentences….
May it rest in peace, I’ll always love.

Fools Rush In

 You would walk by my desk and randomly tell me “Hello” or “Sup Jessica?” and at the end of our crazy work day you would walk by again with “Hey, see you later” or “Have a good weekend Jessica”. I never thought much of you, I was busy trying to get to know the cute Korean/Russian just across the room. I wasn’t the type to be rude, so when you would be friendly, I would respond friendly. To me you where the scary creepy guy with the Slipknot tattoo across is forearm, not someone I would pick as a friend to be so honest. 
Weeks went by and it came time for a change, a change in the “teams” at work. To my surprise they placed you front of me and me behind you, this was only the beginning.
Started with a note, how high school, that you passed me while we spend our days on the phone. I don’t remember what could be what the first note read but I can recall that we spoke a lot about how much our job sucked. You became my close work friend, we understood each other, than you asked if I partook in some recreational “stuff”, with my experience for the last job I answered his question with a question, “Do you?”. Not much to my surprise you said, “yes”. After that our notes turned into Hangman or Tick Tack Toe games that would seriously make our long 8 hour shift that much shorter.
It was about three hours till we where to clock out when you passed a note “Here’s my number, text me so I can have yours”.
Oh the power of text, sometimes I think we tell more through that than we would if we talked on the phone. We spoke of life, music, what if’s, and must have’s, you became the person I would look for a text from.
They let you go from the job, but we text all day anyways. I switched shifts where I was off earlier. We made plans to hang out. Figured since we both where into music, I took us to a popular LA music store and we got lunch on the way home. You kissed me as we said good-bye that night, wasn’t sure what to make of it, but I did start to crush after our adventure.
I can’t remember how it came to be, when we first laid in bed together, but I can say this is when we both fell for each other.
It’s true when they say sex only complicates things.
I do recall the night we created life. I’m not sure what was going on through your mind, but I was aware of what was to be happening. You invited me to stay the night, let me lay in the bed next to you. It wasn’t till the next morning where things went down hill..

Not sure where the years will take us all, but I have control of where it will take two of us. This was not planned, this was not expected, but don’t forget for one second, that you aren’t the love of my life, ‘cause the moment you came into this world, Mommy knew you and her were meant to be.

When asked by the little boy curious of where he comes from, I will explain that though there was no love, there was passion. A passion that still burns in our hearts, a passion that though he swears there is no love, can turn into love now with you. This is only the beginning of our story…

Slowly considering moving east, to Rhode Island to be exact… I need to clear my mind, really hoping my music and this little trip to the east can help me come back west and think straight. I can’t be in-between, I cant fall for the tricks anymore.

I cant think straight, my thoughts arent so much my thoughts anymore.
Am I settling??
.
..
…
….
…..
……
…..
….
…
..
.
am I? 

So confused as to what it all meant.
I’m torn between what I know is right and wrong.
Would I be settling? Or is this truly what I want?
Oh but that kiss, the sweet gentle kiss. There is peace to this beast.
Was it an accident?
Should I not dwell on it?
Though my heart is still weak from the damage it took, stronger than the year before, but still weak, I’m not sure I could take another lie from the lips.
Is the feeling the same? Or is this one big game you enjoy playing?
Sitting across from the dinner table asking the questions of what’s to come.
Looking in your eyes I know the truth, I just wish you’d say it out loud instead of hiding from it.
You are what you are, but you have shown me the other side and that’s the one that has me captivated.

Mind;

I miss the sex when you kiss whenever you through.

…………………………………………………………………..

‘Cause sometimes that stupid shit is real shit.